TV

The Bachelor

  1. Episode 16 Week 3
    Bachelor Recap: Feel Like I’m Going to Throw Up “She just rides in on her high hearse, no pun intended.”
  1. Episode 11 Week 10
    The Bachelor Recap: Two Weirdos in Love? The most spoiled reality TV season of all time somehow stays entertaining till the end.
  2. Episode 10 The Women Tell All
    The Bachelor Recap: Isn’t Courtney Beautiful When She Cries? It’s the women-tell-all one.
  3. Episode 9 Week 9
    The Bachelor Recap: Three Hot Tubs, Two Unbroken Hearts Fantasy suite time!
  4. Episode 8 Week 8
    The Bachelor Recap: When Your Family Ruins Your Chance to Be a Princess; or, Courtney, Humanized “I thought we were in the bourbon belt.”
  5. Episode 7 Week 7
    The Bachelor Recap: ‘I Lost the Spark, Babe’ With a mini-Courtney intervention.
  6. Episode 6 Week 6
    The Bachelor Recap: A Man, a Plan, a Bunch of Women, Panama! Plus, someone’s not in love with Ben.
  7. Episode 5 Week 5
    The Bachelor Recap: Courtney’s Slippery Skinny-dipping Puerto Rico!
  8. Episode 4 Week 4
    The Bachelor Recap: Sch’Mores “I was just there two months ago.”
  9. Episode 2 Week 2
    The Bachelor Recap: Prince Pinot and the Charlie Sheen–Quoting Supermodel We start recapping with the second episode of the new season.
  1. Episode 12 Week 10 Finale
    The Bachelor Recap: The Final Rose Did Chris make the right choice? Yes.
  2. Episode 10 Week 9
    The Bachelor Recap: A Great Big Bali of Emotions We’re going to Bali! 
  3. Episode 9 Week 8
    The Bachelor Recap: Home Is Where the Boobies Are Britt falls from hotness and Jade gets honest and emotional with some nudes.
  4. Episode 6 Week Six
    The Bachelor Recap: Bad Girls and Badlands This week, we travel to the place “where Calamity Jane did her business.”
  5. Episodes 6 - 7 Chris Tells All & Week 7
    The Bachelor Recap(s): Cows, Corn, and Chris — an Iowa Spectacular! Can you live in Arlington?
  6. Episode 5 Week 5
    The Bachelor Recap: Intrigue on the Santa Fe Express When in doubt, talk about your dead husband.
  7. Episode 4 Week 4
    The Bachelor Recap: The Virgin and the Pea Did you catch that? She’s a virgin.
  8. Episode 3 Week 3
    The Bachelor Recap: The Patriarchy Throwdown Is this show actually a metaphor for women’s lib?
  9. Episode 2 Week Two
    The Bachelor Recap: No Rules, All Zombie Murder Bachelor Chris thinks it’s pretty sexy to watch girls shoot zombies.
  1. Episode 11 Week 10
    The Bachelor Recap: Can I Walk You Out Oatmeal becomes a real boy.
  2. Episode 10 The Women Tell All
    The Bachelor Recap: 28 Women and a Chicken Bring out the Oatmeal! Make him answer for his crimes!
  3. Episode 9 Week 9
    The Bachelor Recap: Fantasy Suite, Rinse, Repeat Someone tell me if I accidentally bought a Time Turner from the Harry Potter universe?
  4. Episode 8 Week Eight
    The Bachelor Recap: Tell Me It’s Real (This Feeling That I Feel) Does Oatmeal even like any of these women?
  5. Episode 7 Week Seven
    The Bachelor Recap: Warsaw, the Gem of North-Central Indiana Forget Mexico! Forget Vegas! Forget literally every other city and country on Earth!
  6. Episode 6 Week Six
    The Bachelor Recap: Baywatch of Pigs Oatmeal takes the ladytestants to a Lord of the Flies waking nightmare.
  7. Episode 5 Week Five
    The Bachelor Recap: Snatchin’ Roses Let’s try to get through this together, America. We must forge on.
  8. Episode 4 Week Four
    The Bachelor Recap: Viva Las Puppets The lady-testants hang out with a ventriloquist in Las Vegas.
  9. Episode 3 Week Three
    The Bachelor Recap: Ball-Handling Skills Olivia stares directly into Ben’s eyes to peer into his soul. His soul is just country-music videos playing on a loop.
  10. Episode 2 Week 2
    The Bachelor Recap: Slow Times at Bachelor High Ahhh, nothing creepy about tasking grown women to act like high-schoolers to win the affection of a grown man.
  11. Episode 1 Week 1
    The Bachelor Premiere Recap: What’s Ben’s Thing? This is a recipe for an amazing season: a Bachelor who thinks he’s unworthy of every woman in the room.
  1. Episode 12 Week 11
    The Bachelor Season-Finale Recap: The Big Finnish Someone please marry this bowl of Cream of Wheat.
  2. Episode 11 The Women Tell All
    The Bachelor Recap: Napping the Night Away Rachel is basically a queen ready to ascend the Bachelor Nation throne.
  3. Episode 10 Week 10
    The Bachelor Recap: Two of a Kind The least dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor history.
  4. Episode 9 Week 9
    The Bachelor Recap: Race to the Finnish Let’s just follow the formula of every other Bachelor season ever, okay?
  5. Episode 8 Week 8
    The Bachelor Recap: No Place Like Home I think I’m falling for Corinne?
  6. Episode 7 Week 7
    The Bachelor Recap: The L-Word Rachel’s Bachelorette season can’t come soon enough.
  7. Episode 6 Week 6
    The Bachelor Recap: Nick in Retrograde Stop trying to make anyone feel bad for you, Nick.
  8. Episode 5 Week Five
    The Bachelor Recap: The Big Easy This episode is an affront to history and human dignity.
  9. Episode 4 Week Four
    The Bachelor Recap: A Plethora of Issues It’s time to talk about Corinne. Is she really a villain?
  10. Episode 3 Week Three
    The Bachelor Recap: Make Corinne Great Again What are the Backstreet Boys doing in this episode?
  11. Episode 2 Week Two
    The Bachelor Recap: The Wrong Reason Let’s talk about all this sexual weirdness.
  12. Episode 1 Week One
    The Bachelor Season-Premiere Recap: America’s Happy Ending? This is not your typical season of The Bachelor.
  1. Episode 12 After the Final Rose
    The Bachelor Finale Recap: Guilt and Shame Is Arie at all sorry for what he did? Nah.
  2. Episode 11 Week 10
    The Bachelor Season Finale Recap: I Don’t Love That You can’t watch what happened here and not feel a deep, seething rage.
  3. Episode 10 Week 9
    The Bachelor Recap: I Love That and I Love You Just tell us what Arie did and free us from this prison.
  4. Episode 9 The Women Tell All
    The Bachelor Recap: The Women Tell All In what universe is this a “controversial” season, Chris Harrison?
  5. Episode 8 Week 8
    The Bachelor Recap: Meet the Parents Arie is a beige pashmina come to life.
  6. Episode 7 Week 7
    The Bachelor Recap: The Heartless Bachelor We’re just marching toward the inevitable final two of Lauren B. and Becca K., right?
  7. Episode 6 Week 6
    The Bachelor Recap: Le Célibataire Ennuyeux (the Boring Bachelor) Arie can barely muster anything that resembles human affection.
  8. Episode 5 Week 5
    The Bachelor Recap: Krystal Klear Every great diva has an iconic meltdown in a bathrobe.
  9. Episode 4 Week 4
    The Bachelor Recap: Feelin’ 22 In 100 years, when our great-great grandchildren look back at our time and wonder when our empire fell, I will point at this episode of The Bachelor.
  10. Episode 3 Week 3
    The Bachelor Recap: GLOB I still can’t tell any of these women apart.
  11. Episode 2 Week 2
    The Bachelor Recap: Pretty Women Arie has the emotional range of a faceless Macy’s mannequin.
  12. Episode 1 Week 1
    The Bachelor Season-Premiere Recap: Remember Arie? Arie Luyendyk is the human equivalent of a beige driving moccasin.
  1. Episode 12 Season Finale Part 2
    The Bachelor Season Finale Recap: All Out of Love Let’s just start the countdown clock on this relationship now.
  2. Episode 11 Season Finale Part 1
    The Bachelor Season Finale Recap: Fight Or Flight Colton returns from Beyond The Fence ready to fight for Cassie because she completes him. Oh no.
  3. Episode 10 The Women Tell All
    The Bachelor Recap: Bully Pulpit Most of “The Women Tell All” is focused on “rivalries” and who’s bullying whom, but at least Colton gets another shower scene.
  4. Episode 9 Week 9
    The Bachelor Recap: Jump! That! Fence! The biggest breakup in a season with no shortage of breakups leads to the moment we’ve all been waiting for.
  5. Episode 8 Week 8
    The Bachelor Recap: Free-falling It’s hometown-visit week, and Colton is falling for the ladytestants, both figuratively and literally.
  6. Episode 7 Week 7
    The Bachelor Recap: Red Flags How many ladytestants need to warn Colton before he realizes he’s the one screwing everything up here?
  7. Episode 6 Week 6
    The Bachelor Recap: Beware of Shiny Objects Colton’s increasingly clear penchant for blonde influencers raises the eternal question: who is here for the “right” reasons?
  8. Episode 5 Week 5
    The Bachelor Recap: Kiss Off Heather loses her kissing virginity while Elyse is out here revolutionizing this game.
  9. Episode 4 Week 4
    The Bachelor Recap: Blunt Trauma Caelynn shares her story of being a sexual assault survivor, and Colton uses it as an excuse to talk more about his virginity.
  10. Episode 3 Week 3
    The Bachelor Recap: Fit for Life This episode is defined by ill-defined obstacle courses.
  11. Episode 2 Week 2
    The Bachelor Recap: Pure Camp Billy Eichner shows up to challenge Colton’s assumptions about sex and sexuality, because apparently no one else will.
  12. Episode 1 Week 1
    The Bachelor Premiere Recap: ’Round Yon Virgin Is this the bleakest season yet?
  1. Episode 12 Episode 12
    The Bachelor Season Finale Recap: Fail to Succeed Peter subscribes to the Nicholas Sparks school of relationships, where the only requirement in a relationship is a desire to be in that relationship.
  2. Episode 11 Episode 10
    The Bachelor Recap: Family-Meeting Time Wait, so now we’re supposed to watch this whole thing as if Peter’s love for Madison is some act of passionate rebellion against his family’s wishes?
  3. Episode 10 Women Tell All
    The Bachelor ‘Women Tell All’ Recap: How Dare You? The ladytestants have it out, while Chris Harrison imagines lying on a warm beach with no one screaming at him.
  4. Episode 9 Episode 9
    The Bachelor Recap: Save Yourself This whole Madison thing is starting to feel like the last act of Oedipus, and frankly, it’s boring and frustrating.
  5. Episode 8 Episode 8
    The Bachelor Recap: Hometown Zero Wow, Peter really has no conception of what a functional relationship looks like or what a crab rangoon is.
  6. Episode 7 Episode 7
    The Bachelor Recap: I Couldn’t Help But Wonder … Peter is self-sabotaging all over the place and has completely conflated drama with passion. Peter’s a Carrie.
  7. Episode 6 Episode 6
    The Bachelor Recap: Victoria Cross What exactly is it that Peter is looking for? Does he even know?
  8. Episode 5 Episode 5
    The Bachelor Recap: Chaos Agent It’s almost admirable how every single opportunity Peter has to make a decision, he does the exact opposite of what he should do.
  9. Episode 4 Episode 4
    The Bachelor Recap: Offensive Foul Secrets, lies, the threat of bodily injury, a surprise trip to Cleveland — man, this episode is just crushing it.
  10. Episode 2 Episode 2
    The Bachelor Recap: The Champagne Scandal Oh, so Kelsey has never watched this show before.
  11. Episode 1 Episode 1
    The Bachelor Premiere Recap: Ready for Takeoff Apparently there is no need to respect rules or decorum at all this season. Thank you, Hannah.
  1. Episodes 11 - 12 Finale/After the Final Rose
    The Bachelor Season Finale Recap: The Bitter End No, there will not be a final embrace.
  2. Episode 10 Fantasy Suites Week
    The Bachelor Recap: Daddy Lessons After one tidy segment with his father, suddenly Matt’s deep-seated issues with commitment are solved? Yay?
  3. Episode 9 The Women Tell All
    The Bachelor Recap: With Eyes Wide Open From the dates we didn’t see to the toxic conflicts we most certainly did, this Women Tell All was a wild ride.
  4. Episode 8 Week Eight
    The Bachelor Recap: This Stinks Bachelor Nation, step right up and behold this season’s most outrageous attraction: The Man Who Has Never Been Dumped.
  5. Episode 7 Week Seven
    We Need to Talk About The Bachelor As it becomes obvious that the person Matt favors is the one with a racist past, we have to step back and take a hard look at this show’s history.
  6. Episode 6 Week Six
    The Bachelor Recap: Fun and Games This week’s dates have a real sixth-grade-birthday-party energy to them.
  7. Episode 5 Week Five
    The Bachelor Recap: Don’t You Know That You’re Toxic? You don’t get credit for removing the people who spread rumors when you’re actively promoting those rumors, The Bachelor.
  8. Episode 4 Week Four
    The Bachelor Recap: Mean Girls Could we try and get through the rest of this season without anyone pejoratively accusing anyone else of being a sex worker?
  9. Episode 3 Week Three
    The Bachelor Recap: Ladies in Waiting It will truly be remarkable if Matt somehow manages to explode another season of this show.
  10. Episode 2 Week Two
    The Bachelor Recap: Rage Against the Queen Victoria goes into full villain mode.
  11. Episode 1 Week One
    The Bachelor Season Premiere Recap: Just Vibing Matt James’s season is off to a bland, chemistry-light start, but at least Vibratin’ Katie brought the prop comedy.
  1. Episode 12 Finale/After the Final Rose
    The Bachelor Season-Finale Recap: Collateral Damage All three of these women were reduced to two-dimensional figures in the come-from-behind underdog story of Clayton’s season.
  2. Episode 11 Week Eleven
    The Bachelor Recap: What Women Don’t Want This dum-dum has such intense Main Character Syndrome that he’s convinced his intentions are more important than his impact.
  3. Episodes 9 - 10 The Women Tell All / Fantasy Suites
    The Bachelor Recap: Suite Misery If Susie is right in this fight (which she’s not), that means the entire concept of Fantasy Suites must be abolished.
  4. Episode 8 Week Eight
    The Bachelor Recap: Hometown Zero Clayton is not a riddle to be solved, he is one of those puzzles where you just match the apple piece to the apple cutout.
  5. Episode 7 Week Seven
    The Bachelor Recap: Lady in Red The Bachelor innovates with a wild musical-guest appearance and a couples-therapy date. Utter perfection. No notes.
  6. Episode 6 Week Six
    The Bachelor Recap: Subterfuge in Croatia The Bachelor is throwing so much stuff at us at once, yet it’s hard to care about any of it.
  7. Episode 5 Week Five
    The Bachelor Recap: Villain Origin Story The other contestants have made this into the Shanae Show and are now just trying to catch up.
  8. Episode 4 Week Four
    The Bachelor Recap: Is This About Shrimp? This all could have been avoided if Elizabeth had just accepted some shrimp.
  9. Episode 3 Week Three
    The Bachelor Recap: Let Clayton Himbo Not even Shrimpgate can slow down Shanae.
  10. Episode 2 Week Two
    The Bachelor Recap: Nobody Puts Shanae-nae in a Corner Shanae versus Elizabeth may be the most inane nonsense to grace this franchise since Corinne’s cheese pasta.
  11. Episode 1 Week One
    The Bachelor Season-Premiere Recap: Everybody Hates Clayton The premiere creates a strong impression that some women just look at Clayton and say, “Yeah, no thanks.” Kind of an interesting move, Bachelor.
  1. Episode 10 Finale/After the Final Rose
    The Bachelor Season-Finale Recap: Villain Era All of our conspiracy theories about this finale were proven correct.
  2. Episode 9 Week Nine
    The Bachelor Recap: Sex Week Now Kaity’s the victim, Gabi feels bad about herself, and we’re all gonna have to discuss this with Zach’s parents next week.
  3. Episode 8 Week Eight
    The Bachelor Recap: Triple Dipper All the women “fall for” Zach during the Hometowns Week, and the best Zach can do is “see a future” with each of them.
  4. Episode 7 Week Seven
    The Bachelor Recap: Smoke and Mirrors Doesn’t Zach seem like the kind of guy who would learn magic in middle school before realizing it doesn’t impress women?
  5. Episode 6 Week Six
    The Bachelor Recap: Conflict Resolution We’re finally getting some good, old-fashioned “You stole him” drama.
  6. Episode 5 Week Five
    The Bachelor Recap: Let Zach Kiss With Zach in quarantine, there’s a key problem: How will he make out with the women?
  7. Episode 4 Week Four
    The Bachelor Recap: The Shallcrossian Bargain A witch has clearly put a curse on anybody who dares start drama this season.
  8. Episode 3 Week Three
    The Bachelor Recap: Best Friends Forever The Bachelor universe is a delicate ecosystem, and Zach may have just stomped all over it.
  9. Episode 2 Week Two
    The Bachelor Recap: America’s Next Top Villain Victoria F., Tahzjuan, and Courtney Robertson enter the chat to show the ladies how to get a villain edit.
  10. Episode 1 Week One
    The Bachelor Season-Premiere Recap: Zach Shallcross Is a Real Human Boy! No, he’s not just Mike Fleiss’s Ken doll. Right? Right????
  1. Episode 11 Finale & After the Final Rose
    The Bachelor Season-Finale Recap: All In Leave it to our emotionally intelligent Bachelor to deliver the most unabashedly romantic proposal we’ve seen in years.
  2. Episode 10 The Women Tell All
    The Bachelor Recap: The Bully Pulpit The women tell all, and Maria gives the performance of a lifetime.
  3. Episode 9 Week Eight
    The Bachelor Recap: And the Award Goes To … Despite her Oscar-winning performance, Kelsey looks like she’s going to get snubbed.
  4. Episode 8 Week Seven
    The Bachelor Recap: Home Is Where the Heart Is It’s Hometowns week, and while the tears may be plentiful, the drama is not.
  5. Episode 7 Week Six
    The Bachelor Recap: Queen Behavior This season, we are watching a Bachelor act like a Bachelorette.
  6. Episode 6 Week Five
    The Bachelor Recap: French Miss Joey is feeling the pressure of this competition, and the women are feeling the pressure of performing enthusiasm for Montreal.
  7. Episode 5 Week Four Pt. 2
    The Bachelor Recap: Disrespectful Drama Production has decided to destroy Jess.
  8. Episode 4 Week Four
    The Bachelor Recap: Maltese Double-Cross By process of elimination and producer manipulation, Sydney and Maria get the two-on-one date. Sigh.
  9. Episode 3 Week Three
    The Bachelor Recap: Finger Lickin’ Drama Welcome to the worst pool party ever, brought to you by chicken and bullying accusations.
  10. Episode 2 Week Two
    The Bachelor Recap: Oh, Maria, Maria An eye-popping wardrobe change and a jealous li’l nemesis in week two? Oh, Maria came to play.
  11. Episode 1 Week One
    The Bachelor Season-Premiere Recap: Kiss the Girls Did Joey just set a first-night smooch record?

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